Good Afternoon Ladies and Germs

I've been bad.

I clearly haven't touched this blog in forever. Totally my bad.

A lot has changed.

I'm now pursing my dream, working towards a undergraduate degree in psychology. No longer am i trudging my way through classes I don't care for. I am now loving all my major courses and acing them. It's a good feeling.

Additionally, I turned 21 in March. Yes, yes, clap and cheer away. It was a momentous occasion and I've only been able to upgrade/renew it today.

So you are now looking at the new owner of a horizontal A-dult license. Huzzah!

I honestly cannot wait for the next opportunity to whip that bad boy out and show people that yes, I am in fact out of high school. Physical proof and all that hoopla.

I got a new pair of shoes a couple of weeks back. Heels, in fact. Because I've decided that I'm going to be one of those girls when asked: Heels or flats? I want to be able to answer with a resounding heels and have everyone agree with me.

And this pair? Let me tell you, I did not know I liked this style. I bought them at Payless by the way. I think they were on sale for like $25 or something. But anyway, when I saw them in the box the first time I didn't really think anything of it. I had spotted and was holding a pair of what looked to be crochet Airwalks, they looked similar to Toms. And I'm one of those people that can't just buy one thing and then be on my merry way. Two is my minimum...of anything. Books, shoes, clothes, makeup, skincare, accessories. Anything and everything, I need to buy a minimum of two items. So I was browsing for my second item (I was particularly persuaded because there was a 30% off sale off the total) and my eyes brought me to the heels. I tried them on and, let me tell you, I couldn't not bring myself to take them off. I asked my sister (who accompanied me on this shopping excursion) on her opinion on the way they looked on my feet, she gave me a positive review. I asked the two employees, they remarked on how good it looked. Yet one can never be sure. They do work there and naturally they want to make a sale, but regardless, I thought I looked hot in them.

Fioni Women's Havoc Shootie Sling in Olive

I just looked on the Payless website, to look for the proper title for that caption and noticed it's fucking $19.99 now. At the time, I didn't hesitate in  buying them because I'm never sure when stores change up their stock and I was worried that the next time I went to Payless, this particular pair would no longer be in stores. But had I waited I'd have saved about $5. Impulsivity has a cost, apparently.

Also, these shoes are called Olive. And they do look green. In some lights. When I tried them on in the stores, I actually thought they were a charcoal-ly grey color. And it wasn't until one of the employees mentioned that these shoes only came in black and this olive color. I mean I didn't mention my confusion, but in my head I was like: olive? this is green? But I was so consumed by my lust, that that didn't deter me. I mean I had that thought where I was concerned about how versatile these shoes would be, but I was in love. And I couldn't be persuaded otherwise.

So I bought those. And these.

Airwalk Women's Dream Slip-On in Cream

They're cute. And honestly, they've been my shoe of choice since I've bought them. They're super casual yet at the same time, a bit classy. And those are the same price now then when I bought them, $16.99.

And now... I've been bitten. I need more shoes. This is how my obsessions start. I get two things and I obsess over them for a substantial amount of time and suddenly I both want and need more. And thankfully, since then there have been no styles that appeal to me so my wallet and bank account are safe for the time being, but that's never guaranteed.

But back to those glorious heels. Usually when I buy new things, particular clothes or shoes, I love them in the store.  But then for some reason, when I take them home something changes and I don't like the way they look on me anymore. I mean I eventually get my balls back and wear them out and end up loving them, but it definitely keeps me from wearing them for a few weeks. But with these heels? Nope. I mean I haven't worn them out because there hasn't been an occasion for me to wear these heels, but the second I hear of such an occasion, I'm building an outfit around these heels.

I loved them so much I couldn't keep myself from wearing them. I'd wear them, walk around a little bit (just in my room, by the way), then take them off and resume whatever it was I was doing. Then, honestly, not even an hour later, I'd wander over and try them on again, take them off and go back to my "activities." And it would only repeat. The next day, I decided I'd break them in, I assumed they'd be like flats, break them it at home so when I do wear they out I don't get blisters or anything like that. But these heels didn't need any of that. They were comfortable from the get go. I did do some baking while I was in them and had to stand stationary for some time and in that time, I didn't notice some pain on the balls of my feet. I'd take a break for, maybe 5-10 minutes, and when I got up again I'd be as good as new. Like I just put them on. They are honest to God comfortable. More comfortable than any other heels I've worn prior.

Although admittedly, the heels I wore before never really fit properly, because my idiot past self didn't know how to proper try on shoes apparently. Maybe I was too excited to be able to wear heels that I somehow disregarded show size completely. I don't know. It's behind me now, so let's all just forget about it.

Back to my psychologist dreams. So yesterday I had, what I now know is called, an "information interview." Basically I emailed a few psychologists/offices in different fields to see if they were able to talk to me about their particular field and how someone like me (undergraduate senior this fall) would get to where they are today. And the first person that responded was a "psychoanalyst."

I'm not gonna lie, when I saw that I was a little nervous. I thought it was going to be this incredibly dry and complicated and something I wasn't interested in. But that wasn't what happened at all! I'm incredibly interested in it.

It's based basically on Freud and in a way psychoanalysts try to determine where one lies between the three different types of (un)consciousness. One of the examples she used was a man who whenever something great happens to him at work, he goes on drinking binges and it turn ends up getting fired. She says that other psychologists would diagnose him with a substance abuse problem, but a psychoanalyst would look deeper into this person's historical context. And as it turns out, this person comes from a very blue collar family, so this person is the first to become successful. So subconsciously, this individual is trying to sabotage his own success because he doesn't believe it's possible for him to achieve so much.

Isn't that fascinating?

Another example was of a woman who has affairs with married men. How this woman is only attracted to married men and there aren't any available men around. A psychoanalyst would, again, look into the historical context. So maybe this woman could've had some type of trauma in her early life and as such avoids relationships and therefore seeks men who can't give her that or any type of emotional intimacy.

I find that so incredibly interesting. And she mentioned that I don't have to specifically be a psychoanalyst. I could go into another field but then I could get my hours in a psychoanalytic clinic. Kind of like the icing on a cake.

And the field I'm most interested in? Sex therapy. There's a sex therapist in my area, in the same building as the psychoanalyst actually, that I want to contact and hopefully she'll respond in the affirmative and I can talk to her. I've always found sex interesting. Sexual disorders, sex in general, anything and everything to do with sex have always drawn my attention. So to be able to have a career where I essentially talk about sex and the best ways to have a successful sexual relationship with oneself or with others and get paid for it? That's the dream right there. That's my dream.

And I think they'll go together. A sex therapist with some training in a psychoanalytic clinic. I feel like I'll be even better in helping my future patients.

I want so badly to be a sex therapist. That's definitely the area I want to go into. I just want to talk to this particular sex therapist (mentioned above) so I get gain a stronger understanding of this field and so I can learn how I get become a sex therapist from where I am currently.

Cross your fingers for me. It's scary to know that I'm finishing college and will soon be looking for a job so that I can go back for my masters/doctorate, but I want the highest education I can get to get the best possible job so I can support myself and my ridiculous and expensive habits.

Let's hope for the best. 

Hello Internet.

Christmas has passed and now we're in that boring interim phase until New Years.

But oh my gosh. I have been obsessing (more than lately) over the newest episodes and I just have to tell you about Emma Approved.

The channel that uploads these videos are Pemberley Digital and they update Emma Approved twice a week, Monday and Thursday 9am PST.

So there were two episodes posted this week.

Episode 23, titled "Moment of Triumph" and it was, in my opinion, the highly anticipated episode. It was the holiday party. So much happened. A little bit of Elton's colors showed and Emma's slowly realizing that her plan's not working out the way she planned. Elton made things so awkward in this episode, in the beginning when he first came in he went for Emma's waist and then we see her awkwardly pull herself out of his grasp. Then when she tells him about Harriet being home sick Elton obviously doesn't care and is more concerned with having fun with Emma and meeting her dad. Which when he brought that up I was like: "You obviously want to meet him on a more personal basis, thinking you're in love with Emma and all that." 

The episode then progresses, Elton pretty much trying to be with Emma as much as possible and then later on Elton comes across as overbearing and he starts to show. Not just his politician personality, we get to see how he really is. Which I think is controlling. And his personality shows even more in the next episode.

Now before I put the next video up, I just want to address how absolutely heartbreaking Emma's face was at the end of the episode. You can totally see that she's finally seeing her plan is starting to split at the seams.

Onto the next episode...

Episode 24, titled "Vingt-et-un" which is "21" in French. Which I believe to reference how Senator Elton was supposed to be her "21 for 21." And if you watched this episode, you know how it turned out.

Not well.

I mean Emma Woodhouse is wearing sweats. You know that isn't good on any level. But still, despite the wall she hit in the last episode on the Senator front, she keeps on pushing. So naturally she wants to confront Elton and ask him directly indirectly about Harriet. And when she does Elton finally admits to being in love with Emma. And honestly, the sound that came out of my mouth most certainly was not of the human variety. And then because Emma doesn't return those affections and told him rather bluntly Elton blows up.

As what seems to be a prideful response, Elton essentially verbally attacks Emma solely because he didn't get the reaction he wanted when he admitted his love for her. And when Elton figures out that Emma planned for Harriet to be his perfect match he then attacks her competence. It was like I was personally insulted when he attacked Emma and especially when he insulted Harriet. There was a line in the episode when Emma says that Harriet is perfect for him and he replies with: "If I was running for student council, not for Congress."

I was personally affronted.

I mean yes Harriet is young, she's a recent college graduate. But to completely dismiss and almost belittle her like that? Clearly the Senator is used to getting what he wants and lashed out when things weren't going to plan.

Then he fired Emma? And stormed off?

What. A. Child.

And then she started to cry. I felt my heart broke.

I was hoping Knightley would walk in and console her and thankfully he did. He walked in, completely oblivious to the situation, but when he saw that her office was in a disarray and she was organizing, he immediately knew something was wrong. (Note: earlier in the episode, Emma admitted to Elton that she organizes when she's stressed out.) And then Emma admits that she's failed. And despite their disagreements over the entire Elton situation, Knightley didn't say anything. All he was focused on was consoling Emma while she cried on his shoulder.

I mean.... what?!

And then end episode.

And usually at the end of every episode, the last few seconds are full of links. The main ones are links to the previous and next episode and usually there's a little clip of the respective episodes. So naturally, I wanted to see the small clip of the next episode and do you know what I saw? There's not going to be a new episode for the whole of January. It's coming back in February 2014. Which when I saw 2014 I was like: "a whole year?!" But then I realized that's literally two months away and I that needed to reel in the dramatics.

Which in the context of the show makes total sense. I mean Emma's going through a very emotional time right now so it makes sense that she'd want to take a break from filming. But on one of the writer's/producer's tumblr, they mentioned that it's a production decision and that they want to regroup. Which I don't understand because the videos seem really well done and the acting is wonderful while we're on this topic.

I just don't know if I have that kind of patience. I mean I can barely handle the 3-day wait between Thursday and Monday episodes. Now I have to wait a whole month?

I'm just going to have to deal.

Merry Christmas!

Or happy holidays to those non-Christians. Or happy Tuesday to those that don't celebrate anything this time of the year.

But I have to be honest with you, it doesn't feel like Christmas. I don't know what's different. Maybe it's me and I just haven't been letting myself get into the holiday spirit this year. Though by that regard, I should be extremely happy and into the Christmas spirit.

If you read my last post, then you know that I let loose a huge can of worms and to my surprise and gratefulness, it turned out in my favor. If that's not cause for celebration, I don't know what it. I mean the past three years have been wrought with guilt and shame, yet I enjoyed the Christmas season then. But now, with everything out in the open I find myself a little bored and unhappy with the lack of spirit I have within myself.

It's weird.

So. It Happened.

I told them.

I mean I knew that I would have to tell them eventually, but I never really thought about when it would happen. And it happened pretty organically. The main reason why I didn't tell them sooner though is because I didn't know when or how would be best to bring it up to them. I didn't want to ruin the day with telling them about my absolute failure as a college student and I also didn't know how to even begin that conversation.

"So my life sucks. Can't be an engineer anymore. What's for dinner?"

...or....

"How was my day? Well, I just learned that all my efforts over the summer and this semester were all for naught. I can't be an engineer thanks to the asshole engineering dean. How was yours?" 

I mean while that may work out nicely in my head, I have a feeling that it wouldn't pan out the same exact way in real life.

I am glad they know now. It's definitely been quite the cross to bear these past few weeks. And now I feel relieved. I can honestly talk about how my classes are going, and they know about my being booted from the Honors College. Though honestly, I can get back into the Honors College, as long as I bring my GPA back up to a 3.0. I did lie a little bit about my GPA. I told them it was a 2.9, when really it's around a 2.6/2.7. I mean it's not that big of a stretch. But still. It's a lie.

I know no college major is ever going to be easy though. I recognize that fact. But still.

Although apparently I was a little premature with emailing Laura about my taking a semester off.

Now that they know about my struggles with engineering, they told me that I can pick whatever major I want to take. My struggles were all for nothing because apparently they would've been ok with whatever major I wanted. And now I'm frustrated with myself because then I could've chosen to be a psychology major to begin with and I'd have graduated by now. Because you know I'd want to be that bad bitch that graduates college in less than four years. All those science and math courses I took for no reason. All that struggling and crying I did for nothing.

But I do feel better. About college. My future. Everything.

Now I get to have a major that requires classes that interest me. That's exciting! And a first!

I've always been the friend that people talk to their problems with and now it's a possibility that I'll end up getting paid for it? I think that's something I can get behind.

I may get my happily ever after after all. 

Here's to hoping that these next few years will make me happier and give me a sense of purpose.

Thanks Kenzi. I may just do that. 

Happy Holidays!

Hi. Me Again.

It's been a while.

And I have lots to tell you.

I've started watching a few new shows. And I'm obsessed. Although, one show I'm kind of boycotting until my OTP get back together.

Note: I'm not good at being vague, so there's going to be a lot of spoilers. So if you're not into that, I highly suggest you not read ahead...

Anyway. Show #1.

Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

It's a show with supernatural characters. Now, I've seen vampires, werewolves, zombies (though I haven't watched any shows on this, creep me out), ghosts, and the like.

So this show has all those, as long as a few new ones. But the main character Bo is a succubus.

A succubus!

How cool is that. She feeds from sexual energy.

Um, yes please. And where do I sign up?

And not only that, but there's a love triangle. Now, I know what you're about to say, that's nothing new, most shows nowadays have more than one love interest. But wait!

The two love interests are of different genders.

Now, usually this is where I'd describe the characters, but that's not possible without injecting my personal opinions into the description. And because this is a show with supernatural characters, they have histories. Ergo, I'm using the interweb to help me.

BO is a succubus, she's unaligned, which coincidently is the what makes her so interesting to all parties involved.

The following information is from Lost Girl Wiki:

ARC: "Bo is a bisexual Succubus raised by human parents who adopted her as an infant. During her first sexual experience, she involuntarily killed her high school boyfriend by draining him of his life energy. Not knowing what she had done and why it had happened, Bo ran away from home, living a life without friends or family, and moving from place to place, changing identities each time she killed again.  It was not until she was discovered by the Fae, and helped by the Light Fae's human doctor and scientist, that she finally learned what she was and how to control her chi-draining powers."

PERSONALITY: "Bo has one foot in each of two worlds: the Fae and the Human. Bo is fiercely independent and chooses not to subjugate herself to either the Light Fae or Dark Fae, and frequently disregards the rules of the Fae world in order to do things her own way. Despite being independent, she has shown great loyalty to her friends, frequently risking her life to help them. Having suffered verbal and religious conservative abuse from her adoptive parents, Bo had a great deal of resentment and guilt towards them. Before making peace with her adoptive mother, Mary, she confessed that her mother's cruel words about her being "a monster" – after Bo sought her help and support when she caused Kyle's death – often echoed inside her head. Because she grew up among humans, Bo does not regard them as inferior beings as most other Fae do, and prefers to live among them while still keeping her true nature hidden. Due to her succubus species Bo is an extremely sexual being, not only needing sex to feed and survive but also to heal. Since learning how to control her chi-drawing powers, Bo has been able to enjoy sex freely without fear of killing a sexual partner."

LAUREN is a human doctor who's "owned" by the Ash, a.k.a. the light Fae.

The following information is from Lost Girl Wiki:

ARC: "Despite being human, Lauren's position earns her the respect of the Light Fae. She was seduced by Bo during their first meeting and has since fallen in love with her. A scientist with specialization in genetics and cryptozoology, she has extensive knowledge of the different species of Fae and their abilities, and finds the sphere of human medical science mundane by comparison. In the first season, she helped Bo learn how to control her chi and sexual energy feeding. In the second season, after The Ash who convinced her to serve him and the Light Fae was left in a comatose state from being critically wounded in a suicide bombing arranged by Aife, Lauren was passed on to Lachlan, the new Ash, as 'chattel.'"

DYSON is a light fae wolf-shifter.

Like I said before, I'm using an internet source for character descriptions so it's unbiased.

The following information is from Lost Girl Wiki:

ARC: "Dyson works in the human world as a homicide police detective in the 39th Division Homicide Squad. Though at first glance he appears middle-aged, he was born centuries before the events portrayed in the show and is actually 1,500 years old. He spent centuries in Ireland serving the Laignach Faelad wolf-shifter King of Ailech with his best friend, Stefan. In terms of shifter tradition, warriors like Dyson fearlessly and unquestioningly believed in total loyalty to their King. This changed when the King betrayed his wolf pack and had his best friend, Stefan, killed to take his wife, Ciara, for himself. After this, Dyson left his pack for good, becoming, in effect, a lone wolf." 

PERSONALITY: "Dyson is often short tempered and easily aggravated. He is also fearlessly and unquestioningly loyal to his friends and displays a certain respect for rules and the law. However, he shows willingness to bend rules in order to serve his friends, particularly Bo. Centuries ago, when Dyson was part of a wolf pack, he believed in total loyalty to the pack's king. This only changed when his king betrayed and had his best friend, Stefan, killed to acquire Stefan's wife, Ciara. After this, Dyson left the pack for good, becoming, in effect, a lone wolf. This might explain why Dyson sometimes gives the impression of being 'cold'."

Now. Time for my opinion. 

I am without a doubt, 100%, fully, wholeheartedly, emphatically and COMPLETELY...

This needs to be a shirt. Pronto.

I'm in love. Dyson is just perfect. First episode I already picked a team, and three seasons later, I'm still staunchly Team Dyson. I love for moments between these two. Whether it's sexual, personal, or just playful banter, I revel in those moments and my heart bursts with feels. 

Now most shows have cute ship names for all the couples on the show. Lauren and Bo are "Doccubus" for "doctor" and "succubus." Kitchy, I know. Although for Dyson, I've only ever seen/read "Team Dyson." But on tumblr, I saw "Dogubus." I guess dog is synonymous with wolf, but I feel like that's a bit derogatory, so I don't think Dyson would like that very much. Ergo, I'm sticking with "Team Dyson." 

I want a t-shirt with that image above. I would wear that with pride. 

As for Doccubus, I don't like them together. Do I have a reason why? No. 

I like the fact that they have a same-sex relationship in the show and that they ("they" being the writers) don't make a big deal out of it (coughGLEEcough). I was originally unbiased. Yes, I had a preference for Dyson... 

I mean... Would you kick that out of your bed?  

But I didn't mind the Lauren/Bo flirtations. But then it happened. The Ash wanted Bo distracted and told Lauren to do "what she had to do" to keep Bo occupied. So, Lauren being the loyal light chattel did what she had to do. She went to bed with Bo. And poor Bo. She was into Lauren, she had feelings for her. And there's Lauren, capitalizing on Bo's feelings. How cold. And then when Bo found out? You could tell she was hurt. And me being the invested viewer, I was hurt too. After that, my trust in Lauren dropped, practically disintegrated. I just couldn't find myself to trust her, therefore I don't like her anymore. That just solidified my love for Dyson. 

I mean don't get me wrong, Dyson had his douche-y moments. But I mean the majority of those moments happened after the Norn took his love for Bo away, so it wasn't totally his fault. And then when he (actually Kenzi did that) got his love back, those douche-y moments disappeared. And now, apparently Bo unknowingly pledged to the dark fae. After her and Dyson sexed it up in the ring, a scene that got me so excited and happy I was literally clapping and squealing in my seat. Can't these two catch a break? I mean I just want them to be happy and together. Is that too much to ask for?  

This adequately represents my struggles while watching this incredibly addicting show...

I should switch gears before I become visibly upset. 

Show #2. 

I didn't really purposefully look for this show. I had just finished watching the three seasons of Lost Girl and the fourth season hadn't premiered yet, so I was in limbo, waiting. And at the rate my obsession was going (I started watching any and ALL videos pertaining to Lost Girl) I knew that I needed to watch something, anything to get my mind off the show (read: Dyson/Bo). 

Now for whatever reason I remembered this show or at the very least the title back when it first came out, so naturally I looked up the season 1 promo, to see the general gist of the show, if it interested me. 

And this is what I found. 

The longest trailer ever. I almost didn't watch the show. I thought the promo was of the season. Like she starts off with everyone hating her, then in a moment of true teamwork, they realize that they each have a part to play and that she does belong in town. But then I watched the first episode. The promo pretty much summed up the entire first episode, save for a few one-liners. 

It's a cute show. I was entertained. 

And you know how with most shows, there's a few love interests, to keep the show going, viewers interested and all that jazz. Well this show's no different. 

So there I was, watching the first episode, and Zoe meets the first guy, a man by the name of George Tucker.

Gorgeous, southern gentleman.
Nothing to shake a stick at.

So naturally, in my head I'm all ready to start my obsession over a new couple. 

Then they introduce another guy, by the name of Wade Kinsella. 

Hot blonde, guitarist, bad boy with a heart.
Yum. 

I though that they'd be friends, you know someone to have Zoe's back. I thought, ok, this is nice, progression, fine. 

Then Zoe gets drunk, goes for a walk and Wade finds her and does that 2 mph drive next to her that all guys seem to be so good at. Then they proceeded to have a hot make-out session. I blushed. But then I remembered George and I got indignant. And then we find out that George is engaged! 

The blows just kept on coming. Which was to be expected because it's a CW show. And what would a CW show be without drama. 

Now I'm not the kind of girl to step on other girl's toes. So I backed off of George. I figured that there would be a love interest introduced later on. Lo and behold, Wade steps up. 


The banter increases and the sexual innuendos continue. And then they kiss! Again! 

How can you deny that these two belong together after a kiss like that?!

 But these two run so hot and cold my soft heart couldn't take it. I'm clearly not one for any type of angst. But then as the season went on Wade's feelings became a little more obvious and Zoe stayed completely oblivious. It frustrated me to no end. 

And then when Zoe was made aware of Wade's feelings, she pushed them aside because she was stuck on George. I wanted to shake that girl. Here's a guy that's gorgeous and so completely into her and she's not willing to give it a shot because she pictures herself with someone like George. Grr. 

This is why I shouldn't marathon shows. These two shows are the perfect examples. When I find a new show, usually there's a few seasons out already, so I start at the beginning, naturally. But when that happens, I'm so quick to form attachments, especially to couples. I spend a lot of my time invested in a TV relationship. I'm positive this isn't good for my health. And when I love a couple, that rarely ever changes. In fact, it usually only gets stronger as time passes. 

Case in point. And at this scene,
I literally felt my heart fill with feels.

But back to Hart of Dixie. Wade and Zoe broke up. And I'm currently boycotting the show until I hear/read that they're back together. So there's that. 

Next up on my new obsessions isn't a TV show. It's a web series. 

I love everything Austen so naturally my curiosity got the best of me. I loved the Lizzie Bennet Diaries. Dizzie got my heart all a flutter. So when I heard that they were adapting Emma I wanted to watch it. And so far, I'm not disappointed. We're only 21 episodes in, and LBD had 100 episodes, so if they're doing the same, we've still got a long way to go. I have read the book, so I know what's going to happen and they're moving pretty quickly along. Also since the book was only in Emma's POV we were limited to what we were exposed to, but in this web series, you get to see so much more. They're always cast so beautifully, and I mean literally. 

L > R: Mr. Knightley, Emma, Senator Elton, Harriet, George, Mr. Weston(?), Annie Weston

Aren't they a gorgeous bunch? 

If you've read the book, you know what happens. Knightley and Emma are meant to be, Mr. Elton is a total ass and Harriet is lost. And it's even more obvious in the web series. Knightley and Emma are so cute together. And when they brought in Mr. Elton? Ah! His infatuation is completely transparent and I find myself completely frustrated with Emma's obliviousness. Oh and in one episode Emma mentions Knightley's ex and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's going to be Jane Fairfax. In both the book and this series, Emma clearly doesn't like Jane, who if I remember correctly is supposed to mirror Emma in looks and accomplishments. 

I'd insert a video here, but there's 21 episodes and I'm not about that life, so instead I'll insert a link here: EmmaApproved Playlist  

Now it's neared half-past midnight, so I best be off to bed if I have any hope of getting up at a reasonable hour tomorrow morning to study. 

If only I had my own personal Wade to put me to bed... sigh.

I'd say this was a successful post.  

Also, note that I didn't feel like rereading this post. So if there's anything amiss... Fix it in your head.

Yes.

Burberry Prosum Leather Sleeve Trench

*drools*

Can we all just take a minute to absorb and appreciate the epic beauty of this piece of outerwear? I mean it's Burberry, so you know it's a damn good coat. But... *drools*

I'm obsessed. It's officially begun.

I bought a black trench a few weeks back, it's made out of that raincoat material, so I can wear it in the rain. So that's a bonus.

But this coat. I'd wear it just because I could.

Now I know it's Burberry, so I'm not even entertaining the idea of ever owning this coat, so apart from looking at pictures and staring lustily at it, I'm not doing anything about it.

But I am seeing this coat everywhere. I'm guessing that means it's very on trend right now?

I saw it on a commercial, I think ShopStyle it was. And I loved that one. But I don't like online shopping. Mainly because I'm a plus size girl, so I need to physically try things on to make sure everything buttons, zips, closes and cinches in all the right places. So there's that.

Then I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday and we somehow landed on the topic of jackets and I mentioned my obsession with this particular style of coat. And then she mentioned that she found one in this style in Marshalls. Marshalls! Now I'm not entirely sure if all Marshalls carries this particular coat, because she lives up north and they might carry different stock.

But I hope the Marshalls near my house has that! So much so that I want to check sometime this weekend.

Uggghhhh.

I want that jacket so badly. I think it looks so classy yet so edgy. And despite it having leather sleeves, I definitely think this has the potential of being a timeless piece. I mean trench coats are always classy and leather jackets never really go out of style, so if you put leather sleeves on a trench coat, that just makes it infinitely better. Also, that means I could potentially (should I ever be lucky enough to find and purchase one) push up the sleeves. Because while I like my sleeves long, there are times when I'm doing something and I want to pull my sleeves up but don't want to take off the coat/jacket I'm currently wearing.

Call me lazy, sue me.

The coat is just amazing. I've been staring at pictures for days. Looking online seeing who carries a coat in this style. I did find one on Macy's website, but the reviews were pretty discouraging, so I didn't really put much stock into that one.

But that won't stop me. I'll find it's cheaper alternative.

Burlington Coat, Marshalls, Ross... Get ready for me!

Hello, old friend.

It's been a while. To say the least. 

And to be frank. My life is a mess. 

My parents joke around that I can't keep my emotions from anybody, that my face is an open book. 

If only they knew. 

My academic career is in shambles. I'm honestly thinking about taking some time off of school. Maybe a semester. Maybe a year. 

But I don't want to waste my parents' money. Which I already am by not picking a major. 

It's honestly been fucked up since the beginning. When I applied for colleges, I put pharmacy for Rutgers-NB but I put nursing for Rutgers-Camden. 

Lo and behold, I didn't get into NB but I did get into Camden. So I went to college a nursing major when everyone else (parents included) thought I was going to college as a pharmacy major. 

This messiness clearly knows no bounds. 

I was taking courses geared towards pharmacy, but because I wasn't enrolled/registered/majoring in pre-pharmacy, the option to transfer into the pharmacy school in NB was never really an option for me. 

So when the time came for me to recieve an email about an interview and my impending transfer, I had to cover up my lie. I told my parents that I didn't get in, that I someone else got picked over me, which isn't a complete lie, but it was told over 2 years too late. 

Then I thought I'd become an engineer. A civil engineer like my dad, to be specific. So then I explored that option with my parents, the engineering dean, my advisors, etc. And the consensus was that I just need to take the prerequisite classes necessary for me to transfer. 

Take a couple for math classes, ok. Physics for a 3rd time, sure. 

So now I'm in my third year, taking classes geared towards my new major. And then time for spring registration rolls around. So, like a college student that's on top of things, I email the dean of engineering about what classes I should register for next semester. 

Side note:While waiting for that response I find out that I massively bombed my second calc III exam. 

So when I recieve the reply, I find this long 4 paragraph email about how my (math/science) GPA isn't where it needs to be to be accepted into the engineering school and while he doesn't mean to be "harsh," he told me that I need to "explore my options because engineering wasn't going to be a possibility for me." 

WHAT. THE. FUCK. 

I wasted MY time. 

I wasted MY PARENTS' money. 

And for what? A major that, turns out, isn't a possibility for me. 

I am angry. 

I am disappointed. 

And I am PISSED OFF. 

I mean my GPA hasn't changed drastically since last spring. I took a class over the summer and it went up a smidgen. But it didn't change dramatically. 

So why didn't he tell me this last year? 

He waited until I took a summer class and a semester of classes that the major I thought I was working towards isn't a possibility? What kind of bullshit is this? 

And I can't even yell at him! 

He's a fucking dean at that school. I'd get suspended or some shit if I decided to do something. 

Argh!!! 

I just wish I could punch him in the face. 

Kick him in the balls. 

Grind his face into the pavement. 

 

That wouldn't even satisfy the anger burning inside me. 

Don't misunderstand. I'm not angry about what he told me. 

My GPA is too low for engineering.

OK. Fine. I get it. 

What I'm furious about is when he told me. 

Why the FUCK didn't he tell me last spring. Then I could've just discussed other options, gone a different path, and taken classes that would be geared towards a new major. 

I feel terrible. I mean I changed... well, I supposedly changed my major once from "pharmacy" to "engineering" (notice how I put quotations because I wasn't actually enrolled as those majors) and now this? 

I'm wasting their money. 

I can't even finish college. I feel like such a failure as both a student and as their child. 

All they wanted was for me to finish college. To graduate with a degree that I can get a job with right away and get situated with a stable salary. 

And I can't even do that. 

They've done and given me all I've asked for and more. 

And I can't even finish college. 

I'm such a failure. 

It's times like these when I wonder why I'm here. Why I'm put on this planet, looking out of these eyes. 

I remember when I was in high school, all these people were talking about going to a specific college, for a specific major, that leads up to their dream job. They were so goal-oriented. They knew what they wanted and they went after it and fought for it. 

And here I am just floundering. 

I think this is karma. 

Because I remember when I was around 12, I started reading fanfiction. 

For all those unaware, Fanfiction is a remarkable website where people can write their own stories using the characters of movies/books/shows etc.. I started looking there when a couple from a show/movie/book didn't end up where I wanted them to. I guess it was some form of closure for me. 

I started off reading Gilmore Girls fanfic. Specifically Rory and Logan fics. So canon Rory has always been goal-oriented. She knew she wanted to be a journalist and fought tooth and nail for it. She was also a brilliant student with impeccable work ethic. I used to aspire to be "Rory Gilmore"-smart. 

So then later on in the series, Rory loses some of her drive and decides to drop out, take some time off of school. She was lost and couldn't find the will in herself to continue. 

I used to scoff at that. My younger self used to question how someone could possibly be in college of they don't know what they're doing with their life. How someone can be wasting money like that. And taking a year off? What a stupid plan. Why prolong college when you can take your classes, graduate, then get a paying job? 

And now look at me. Exactly in that position. 

Lost, floundering, wasting my time and my parents' money. 

I just want to finish college and graduate. But at this point I feel like that's never going to happen. 

My parents I feel are already disappointed in my for changing my major once already. But to change a second time? 

And at this point in time. I feel like I want to do something I want to do. Something I'm interested in. 

Psychology. 

But my dad sees no future in that. He thinks it's one of those "bullshit" majors that "won't lead you anywhere" because it "can't guarantee you a job after college." 

But at this point? I don't care about that. 

I want to be happy. 

And I can honestly say, for the last three years, I haven't been happy. 

My life's a mess and I'm tired. I just want to do something I enjoy. Something that interests me more than just it's starting salary. 

Which by the way is why I picked pharmacy in the first place. Starting salary was about $80,000/year and could increase to $100,000/year. I mean that's a substantial paycheck. I was drawn towards that. But now I realize money isn't enough for me. 

I want happiness in my life. I want to find something that I can enjoy doing everyday. Something that will keep me interested. 

Engineering? I liked the idea of what I could do. I mean my dad does absolutely nothing in his job. Or so he claims. It's a job where he does nothing and earns $50,000-$60,000/year. 

But again, clearly a career of blandness didn't lure me either. 

But my dad was so excited. He loves talking about how much I'm going to live being an engineer and how it's going to be an easy life for me. And I hate how I'm going to have to tell my parent that I'm not going to be an engineer. 

I'm terrified of telling them. I'm going to disappoint them. They're going to be upset with me. 

I'm a terrible daughter. 

I just want them to be proud of me. 

And now I feel like this is just going to make them angry. 

And with psychology, I'm not even sure what I can do with that degree. 

I mean grad school is an option, but that's a lot more vigorous and a shitload more terrifying than undergrad. 

I mean I do enjoy psychology, but can I survive grad school when I'm clearly struggling in undergrad. 

Am I even meant to finish college? 

I meant clearly I have no idea what I'm doing with me life. I'm confused. I'm lost. I'm completely upset with myself. And I hate that my life has come to this. 

I even scheduled an appointment with a psychologist on campus. 

I've reached that point. 

I mean it's necessary. I need to talk to someone about this. Make sense of all this nonsense in my mind. I need some third party to talk this out with. See what'll benefit me or help me or at the very least keep my sanity in tact. 

I don't know how much more of this I can take. 

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for years. 

Oh, and not only is my academic career in shambles, there's some type of nonsense going on with my armpits. I know I need to tell someone, but it's embarassing. I hate that I have of, but it's starting to become sore, even painful at times. 

Not only that, but I just learned today that I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. 

Yay! 

Not. 

That God I only have two. But the fact that I need to have surgery. In my mouth no less is just icing on an already perfect year. 

It's just a great year to be JoAnne isn't it?  (#sarcasm)

Note: too lazy to edit. Deal.